Newsflash.

Its no surprise that I am a bad blogger. We all know this and so lets just pretend it has been two months since I have wrote. A lot has happened in these last few months. Laiyla is constantly growing and becoming more amazing as the days go by. I couldn't feel happier or more blessed to have such an amazing little princess. She has 3 teeth, crawls/stands up and couch walks, reaches for you when you are next to her, constantly babbles and talks, eats baby puffs with a wide variety of mommas homemade food ;) She had her first Halloween last night and was a little ghost

 We also had a "First Halloween outfit"

She is always a little helper and stays close to my side :)

Sometimes she likes to wake up way early and play in mommies bed!

I don't have an update for myself because not many positive things come to mind. 

A new post with better things will come soon :) 

6 Months

This Friday my little Laiyla turned 6 months old which is crazy to me. I feel like I was just pregnant and waiting for her. She does so much and is learning more and more everyday. She is crawling just as of this weekend shes eating more food now and is happy most of the time :)

I have never loved someone or something more than I do her. 

she really is my whole life.

Today Caleb told me I was a lazy bad mom. It hurt. 

He claimed I don't clip her nails or clean her ears or make her a variety of foods. 

I try. I try really hard. I don't know what would be good enough for him or his family. I feel like I will never be good enough in their eyes. No matter what I do it is not enough nor will it never be. I though I was doing a good job.

I wish I could go home. I miss my Dad and Mom I miss my family my best friend. 

It happened. Its real.

He turned them in today

For the first in 3 months it feels real.

Hes not coming home. 

I'm single.

A single mom. 

I just want to go home. 

I want my dad to hug me and my mom to sit with me while I cry. I want my sister to eat ice cream with me and then crawl into bed with my Laiyla and sleep.

Why can't life be fair.  

Why cant I get ahead? 

I just want a normal good life for Laiyla and all the odds seem to be against me. 

I'm tired. Mentally and physically. 

I hate my job. 

I hate this house. 

I hate way to many things.

Tonight I feel no optimisim and see no light at the end of the tunnel, tonight my heart just hurts.

Goodnight

A wonderful weekend of firsts :)

   This weekend was a good one and has come to an end to quickly for my taste... Saturday we took Laiyla to the zoo for the first time. (By we I do mean Caleb came and it went better than I had anticipated I mean hes still alive which I'm sure he appreciates.) It was nice to get out of the house and take her to do something new and exiting! Im not sure but I think I might of had the most fun she did alot of this.....

I have to brag a little I have a pretty cute freaking kid :) I love everything about her. 

The zoos here are much different then the zoo at home we walked .85 miles to get to "Wild Africa" 

 It is however a neat experience definitly was different than what I am used to with the phoenix zoo!

We went to Binder park and here you are able to feed the giraffes! It was so neat they get VERY close to you and have extremely long tongues (Laiyla found out by grabbing it the poor giraffe.

I definitely will take her again when she is a little bit older to experience more of it!

(My favorite picture)

Look mom I'm riding a turtle!

My little monkey went to monkey valley ;)

This Sunday was also a really great Sunday! I received and was set apart for the calling of Branch Family history and Indexing! I am so incredibly thrilled to have this calling and cannot wait to learn not only about other peoples history but do my family history as well. I wouldn't have even thought of this calling if I were to have been able to pick and for that I am so grateful that we have the priesthood and they receive revelations for us according to what Heavenly Father desires of us.

I had a very herd time at the branch when I first moved into it due to it being do much different than at home but I am growing to love and appreciate everyone for all they do and I'm so grateful that they have been so warming to Laiyla and I.

I have been making all of Laiyla's baby food lately and I LOVE it. It is so fun and its great knowing what she iis heating is natural and healthy. I love learning new ways to make the food and all the things that you can do!

I made carrots tonight.

I have been thinking alot about going back to school. Im not sure yet if I am going to. I think i will wait till everything is finalized but I was thinking about dental hygiene. It is something I think would be incredible for Laiyla and I later in life. Im still praying about it. 

Thats all for now. 

Baby Blessing

This past Sunday my little angel received her baby blessing. It was a beautiful experience and I am so grateful we were able to experience it.

I am so incredibly blessed to have the priesthood in my life. I realize now more than ever how important it is to have the spirit in my home and the opportunity to raise Laiyla in the church. I know life is not going to ever be perfect and it very well could get harder from here but I know it WILL be worth it when we are sealed together for all time and eternity.

I love my chubby baby. 

Besides having a wonderful sunday at church we went on a walk together (Well I walked she napped) and it was a beautiful day I was so glad to spend the weekend with her.

Bad Mom?

First off I want to say Laiyla is amazing. She does new things all the time and it amazes me. She is getting so close to being on all fours when she is schooching to her destination. She is getting better at sitting up all by herself for longer periods as well. We started pees this week I cant tell if she likes them yet. Its like she grows up a little more every day I love it but it makes me a little sad at the same time because I feel like I am missing so much. I have to work its inevitable. I just wish I could find a way to be with her more. I feel like I wake up at 615 (on a good day) get ready, make my lunch back all our bags, wake Laiyla, get her ready, drop her off, work till 5:30, come home, play for an hour, eat, shower, bed. That cant feel fair to her. It just breaks my heart I don't want her to grow up and think "My mom hardly spent time with me" I have the single mom  routine down but not the budget (I think I am permanently broke and in debt)  or the emotional part. A part of me is still expecting home at night like prince charming and help and be family. Hes not. I need to get over it. That was my rant, i apologize I tend to do that occasionally.

Some things don't get easier.

Now I know that the situation between Caleb and I is not good. Sucky is a great way to explain it in fact. Even if it wasnt what I had hoped it would be he is a wonderful father. It however wont ever get easier dropping her off for the weekend and having to say bye. I know she is well taken for and protcted but I miss her alot. Even after just 4 hours. On a second note watching sappy movies alone is kinda stupid. It makes tht hole in my heart feel bigger. I think I will stick to Ice age with Laiyla for now.

5 Months,

The time really does just fly by. I cannot believe that I brought home my little angel 5 months ago today. Its crazy all the things my little Laiyla does now. She is scooching across the floor to reach her toys, we just had our first big girl meal today (oat meal and apple sauce) she is finding her little voice and talks non stop. I love her to pieces. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father blessed me with such a perfect baby :)

Laiylas first time eating oatmeal! (Please ignore my horrific baby talk voice)

She seems to love her Apple Sauce Oatmeal looks like I better get on top of this homeade baby food making I have a feeling we will be going through a lot. 

I am blessed.

Today has been hard and with faith and endurance it ended beautifully. I just know that if we do the things we are supposed to and stay and strong and faithful that we WILL be blessed. I know Heavenly Father places specific people in our lives for special reasons and that our trials can become blessings if we allow them to be. I didn't ask for this trail and I still don't fully understand why but I do know that with a firm foundation I can accomplish anything the Lord sets in front of me. I know that I was given Laiyla for an abundance of beautiful reasons and I want nothing less than everything for her. Right now my prayer is that Caleb's heart may be softened and that we can do this with open minds and kind hearts so she knows her mommy and daddy love her. I hope that with time these feelings of anger and sadness can be removed and I will feel peace in my heart again.

Life isnt aways what we expect it to be... Its SO much more.

I intend for this blog to be more of a journal and a way for me to remember and look back on all of the things that happen as my Laiyla continues to grow. I will post about my personal life, beliefs, accomplishment and trials. I will post endless amounts of pictures and blabberings about my chunk of love. If you do not like these please do not read or comment negatively. A lot has changed in my life in that last year some I will feel ok with sharing possibly over sharing somethings I wont speak of at all. I hope that these things I post about can warm your heart the main purpose is for those i love and are at home to feel they are still in a small way here with Laiyla and I. We love you :)